Coming Out Trans To Your Parents & Family


When you come out to your parents as a transgendered person, they need to know that:

  • You still love them.
  • You are not doing this to hurt them.
  • You’ve had these feelings since you were _________________ years old
  • You resisted coming out to yourself for ______________________ years
  • You really struggled with it, but it wouldn’t go away; - it’s SUCH a compelling feeling!
  • You are now pretty seriously considering (hormones/reassignment surgery/or _____________________)
  • You have talked extensively with a counsellor, met many other trans folks, have done some reading and/or at this point you believe _________________ about yourself.
  • If/when you change your gender presentation, you will still be the same person inside in many ways.
  • You will still have much of the personality you always had.
  • You will probably still have the same corny sense of humour.
  • You will still love them, music, cats, loud shirts, short hair, etc.
  • You will still work, go to college, keep your friends, and love your children..... (things that are important to them)...
  • You might also change in some ways - voice, hair, walk, talk, dress, etc. Be honest about what changes to expect.
  • You might look as though you were your twin brother/sister.
  • You will give them all the time they need to get used to the new you. You didn’t get used to the idea overnight yourself.
  • You know the new name is hard; they even get the grandchildren mixed up sometimes.
  • New pronouns are even harder. After all, your mother changed your nappies a thousand times and knows your body. Cut them some slack here.
  • Your love life - what do you expect about your marriage, current partner, future type/gender of partner. Might as well be frank here, even if you just don’t know.
  • You realise they may go through an emotional process, too -- shock, denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, sadness, acceptance. Know these symptoms and help them also to recognise them. Believe it or not, some parents even get to a stage of celebration! We wouldn't want to change our “new” son or daughter, even if we could! A good idea is to write  a letter to parents or family; read it over, sleep on it, does it say everything you want to say, and in a loving way? Then THEY get to read and reread and respond thoughtfully. Plenty of time to talk in person later. You might also give them something to read or suggest books for them.

IF PARENTS ARE REJECTING

Some parents are rejecting for years, but then come around. Give them things to read, send greeting cards, reassure them of your love, and tell them of your successes. You can’t force them; it’s not your fault if THEY can’t handle it. If you once had a good relationship, chances are you will again, If you are worried about their reaction in any way we caution you to consider not coming out to family until you have checked to see if their is a support group in your area.  There’s no real substitute for your family of origin, but you CAN live without them, even have a full and very happy life, Let this tough experience make you wiser, gentler, more loving, not bitter, distrusting, and cynical. Let it not have been in vain.

 






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